A Very Difficult Time of Year

Ok, so Christmas has passed, which means my life is now coasting full speed towards the roughest day of the year. A little background-

January 9, 2006 I came home after the first day back to school following Christmas break. I walked in and my dad was hysterical. My uncle had died from a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. That was the first time I had experienced a death of someone close to me, and a death of that nature was especially heart-wrenching. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure how to react, so at my grandmother's house that day, I just sat...stonefaced, emotionless, and blank. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.

I was 15. Once it really hit me that I wouldn't see my uncle again, then I started feeling the emotion. But that didn't come until after I had gotten home and was in my room alone. It was without a doubt, one of the most difficult days of my life. I was near the peak of my worst depression at the time, and this event didn't help me one bit.

I never have truly gotten over that day, and I still remember it vividly, and I still go the Ft. Leavenworth National Cemetery every year to visit his grave. Last year I used...in huge excess. I'm worried about this year. The pain of losing a loved one was one that I had never gone through before, and that very pain still burns deep in my heart, and it hurts. I don't think I'll ever get over that day, or the pain. I'm just so worried about "escaping" reality that day to cope with the pain. Granted it's still about 2 weeks out, it's nearing quickly.

I will be strong, I will stay clean.

Take care, everyone.
Josh

WOW SNOW.

Wow. I don't think I have EVER seen so much snow in my life like we have been getting in KC since Christmas Eve. It's just been coming down pretty much non-stop! And thanks to the wind, we've got some killer snowdrifts goin' on in the area. Also...my poor car is frozen shut, so I can't go anywhere :[

Check out these pics! The third one is me standing in a drift on our deck, the second is kinda hard to see...but it's me in a drift in the yard that is UP TO MY WAIST, and the first one is my poor frozen car. More to come!!!

I'm Having Trouble Coming Up With Titles!

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday today even if certain circumstances were difficult to cope with for some of you. I want to remind everyone that recovery is possible, and to never stop giving up hope or prayers.

Now on a different note, I hope everyone enjoyed being in the presence of family and friends at this happiest time of year. Being around those you love and care about tends to take your mind off the emotional suffering having addicted loved ones can tend to inflict upon you.

I sincerely hope that the holidays were good for everyone, and with that I'm off to spend some time with the family. :]

Take care and Merry Christmas everyone!
Josh

Christmastime Is Here!

Merry Christmas, everyone! I may not like the winter much, but I absolutely LOVE Christmas. Just something about celebrating the birth of Christ that just bring happiness to my heart. I'm excited to see my family, too. I haven't seen my grandparents on my dad's side since August when my grandfather and I celebrated our birthday (We have the same b-day). This is gonna be exciting!!!

Kind of a short update, but I just wanted to wish everyone a safe and merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays, folks!

Josh

First Great Night in Awhile!!!

So I can't lie. Tonight was...well, AWESOME! Hung out with Alex for a few hours and made some new friends, which was great! I've always loved meeting new people. Afterwards we went back to his place and just hung out for awhile watching South Park (LOVE THAT SHOW!), but then started getting tired. I was just gonna crash there, but realized I didn't have my phone charger and it was starting to die, so I decided to head home.

On my way home, I decided to take a slight detour to the nearest 24-hour gas station to my house to get a lotto ticket and gas up the car. Well...I'm SURE GLAD I DID! I bought a single $1 scratchers ticket. I wasn't expecting anything because I have never had any luck on this particular ticket, but tonight that luck turned!

Hopped into my warm and toasty car while it was fueling, and scratched it off...only to find that I won $100! I've never had that kind of luck before on a scratchers ticket! The most I've ever made before tonight is around $40-$50...so this was great!

Tonight, summed up in one word, was absolutely.....great. Definitely a nice change in the crappy days I've been having lately!

Take care, everyone!
Josh

Foxes and the Highway

Well. This is a little different than anything I've put on here before, but I need to vent!!!

As I was driving along down the highway back home, I was in a little bit of a trance. Exhaustion was starting to get the better of me so I decided to put the cruise control on. Granted, I was going a little fast (90 in a 70), I figured it wouldn't really matter because not many people are on the road at 1:00 AM. (And I couldn't resist pushing all 8 of my car's cylinders to the limit!)

So anyways. I'm just driving, when all of a sudden, a little fox is just chillin' out in the roadway. I'm sure everyone can figure out where this is going. Long story short, by the time I realized there was an animal in front of me, it was too late. I smashed that poor fox. Barreled into it at 90 MPH. I feel guilty, of course...I love animals and I could never bring myself to harm one.

Once I got off the highway, I stopped at the gas station to fill up and I decided to check to see if there was any damage. My first thought was "Oh it was just a little fox...surely there won't be any noticeable damage". But of course...I was wrong!!! First, I've got a KU plate on the front of my car. That is now all twisted up and crappy looking. Second, a piece of trim on the bumper is now broken and looking like crap. Third, the paint where my car made impact with the poor fox is gone! Fourth, the bumper has become slightly separated from where it meets the front driver's side quarter panel. And fifth...dear Lord. I've got a nice chunk of fox hair just kinda hangin' out where some of the paint was.

BOOO. This sucks! Stupid animal shouldn't have been hanging out in the middle of the road! GRRRR. Oh well...I guess this would be a prime example of the phrase "Shit Happens" in action!

Have a wonderful day, everyone, and look out for small animals in the roadway!
Josh

Well Alrighty Then

Talked to the recruiter yesterday. Unfortunately, things didn't go as well as I'd hoped they would.

Due to my prior run-ins with the law, I'm not eligible to join.

Shame...I was actually looking forward to something.

A New Direction

I have decided to take a new direction with my life. Today I am going to speak with a Navy recruiter.

I'm pretty stoked about it, too. I figure it will give me a new sense of meaning to my life. And hell, who knows, maybe I'll end up playing with the U.S Navy Band someday? :]

I think this will be a good change for me, and it will hopefully make my family see me as a different person...someone who is more responsible. My grandfather told me that when he enlisted in the Army in the 60's it was the best thing that ever happened with him. This is the change I need, I do believe.

This is a short post, I just figured I'd leave an update and remind everyone out there to never give up hope.

Take care, everyone!
Josh

Completely Irrelevant to Anything

...but I think I'm gonna chop of my goatee today. I'm annoyed that I can't remember what I look like without facial hair, as I first started growing it when I was 16. Bleh.

Oh...and I think that once I get back on my feet money-wise, I'm going to invest some of it into a drumset. That's the only thing I miss about high school...having so many instruments at my disposal! And besides...there is nothing better than throwing all of your emotion into a sick drum beat, right?

I...miss...music.

This Last Week

The last week has been....tough, to say the least. With losing my job, being financially in the tank, and trying to stay clean, it's been a little bit on the rough side.

It has taken every bit of strength I have not to go raid my mom's stash of Vicodin or call up an old dealer. I'll be honest-- I desperately wanted to get high this last week to escape the bounds of reality and just feel numb. But I didn't. I don't want to go back down that path, even though it makes dealing with depressed emotions easier while under the control of narcotics.

It's just not worth it. It's not worth the internal feelings of disgust for your actions, not worth the physical consequences, not worth the guilt, the pain felt by those around you...it's just not worth it, and that's a driving force to keep me clean.

Even though I want to use...I won't. I won't let myself. Whatever it takes, I won't allow myself to get high.

Take care, everyone.
Josh

Life on Mars?

I've found a new way to occupy some of my time and started getting to know my piano again. I'm starting to teach myself the classic David Bowie hit mentioned in the title of this post.

I'm not sure what is drawing me back to the piano bench, but there is something there, so I'm going to go for it.

Happy trails, folks.
Josh

Alcohol, anyone?

Saturday night I made the stupid decision to self-medicate once again, but not with opiates or big pharma.

Honestly, I should be dead right now. In a period of 7 hours I consumed an entire bottle of Hypnotic, which is only 17% alcohol by volume, but for one person, a whole bottle is quite a bit. Then, on top of that, 14 double shots of banana schnapps. Why? I don't know. But I will say this...alcohol is the least of my worries, I think. Granted, none of it is good, but I feel it was better for me to drink than risk using opiates and spiraling down into that hole again.

It's going to be a rough holiday season.

Take care, everyone.
Josh

Well...I Guess it was Bound to Happen

I lost my job today. Yep. The job that I loved so dearly...is gone. Not a good day. Why is it that everything bad seems to hit you all at once? I guess that is how things work sometimes, as much as we may not like it.

But, on the flipside, I had an interview about 20 minutes ago, and they asked me to come back for a second one tomorrow to tour the facilities. It's a job at a manufacturing plant here in De Soto. Not only does it pay twice as much as I was making at Pizza Hut, it also provides health insurance, 401k, and paid vacation. I'm looking forward to that, and keeping my fingers crossed that I get that job. Sure, it's going to be quite a change from what I'm used to working, but I can adapt pretty well, I think.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, everyone! I'm hoping and praying that things go well, because I cannot afford to be unemployed right now.

Take care,
Josh

Let Your Troubles Roll By

Music has a way of speaking to me. When I hear a song, I can find a way to relate to the lyrics in some way or another. While sitting at my desk today, iTunes on shuffle, a song came on that I haven't heard in awhile. It was "Let Your Troubles Roll By" by the band Carbon Leaf.

Noone could say it more plainly, get over your issues and just let them get by you. As a recovering addict and someone who struggles with severe clinical depression, music has been my source of comfort.

Today has been difficult. I don't have the urge to use today, but rather in recent days the urge of another addiction has been plaguing me. I used to be a self-injurer. From the time I was 14 to almost 17 it plagued me. I've resisted it, but it has been tough. Winter is incredibly hard on me emotionally. It always has been. For about 2 years or so, I would go into the woods by my house to a tree that was really good for climbing (I've always loved climbing trees), and just sit up there on the same branch everyday and just cry. Everyday. I'm worried that this coming winter will be no different, and I'm slightly worried about my sobriety, because when I get heavily depressed, that is what makes me want to use.

But going back to today...I've just been holed up in my room all day. I left once to go get some Skoal from the gas station, but aside from that, I've been in here all day. I even called into work...told them I was having a panic attack. I'm a nervous wreck right now, but I can't put my finger on why. Oh well...hopefully a good night's sleep will help with that.

Oh...and 40 days until January 9th. I'm NOT ready for that. Worst...day...of...the...year. :(

Take care, everyone.
Josh

Seatbelts

I've always thought seatbelt laws were stupid. I always figured, if someone wants to die in a tragic accident because they didn't want to wear their seatbelt, then let 'em. I think it's dumb that you can be ticketed for something that should totally be your choice. Why do I bring this up?

Yesterday I got pulled over by the Kansas Highway Patrol. The officer said he observed me not wearing my seatbelt. "Oh great", I thought. "He's gonna ticket me for it".

Sure enough, he did. $30 fine. I can handle that. But what's outrageous, is $86 court cost! $106 for not wearing my seatbelt?! STUPID!

I suppose, however, that this is nothing but a very expensive lesson. Wonderful.

BUT.....aside from that, yesterday was a good day! Got to hang out with a friend whom I haven't seen since April, and that was nice. Dad and Mom, I can assure you that Alex is turning his life around after the talks we had yesterday in my car, AND it was good to finally meet you guys in person :)

And today...damn! It's a BEAUTIFUL day outside...65 in KC today...I can deal with that. :)

Take care everyone, I'm off to work!
Josh

Last Night

Last night was awful. It started with me going to my grandmother's birthday dinner, and ended with me sleeping in my car.

My mom's side of the family has always been about perfection and image, and in their eyes, the tattoo I got on my left shoulder makes me "less than".

So basically, words flew around the room, complaining about my tat (that they couldn't even see!), I got pissed off, and stormed outta the house, and sped off back towards home. Meanwhile, my mom phoned my dad and let him know about the situation, so when I got home, I walked inside, and words flew between him and I. That was fun. So I once again, stormed out the front door and took off in my car, and ended up sleeping in it for half the night in the parking lot of my work. But, my dad texted me around 3:00 AM, and told me to just come home, so I did. We settled things, I apologized, and now all is well once again. But that still doesn't change the fact that last night really sucked!

Now for confession time--

Last night, when all this was going down, I wanted to use. Really bad. I didn't, but the thought was there, in the back of my mind, "If I could get high, all these shitty feelings would go away".

But....I refrained. I stayed strong. That right there just shows that even once you get sober, that urge can still haunt you.

And with that, I'd like to wish everyone hope in dealing your life's troubles and struggles, and remind you all that you are in my thoughts, and I'd also like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

Take care,
Josh

Fun Day at Work Ahead

So today is going to be an interesting experience at work. My boss decided to throw a curve ball in my direction and she scheduled me to wait tables instead of drive. It'll be interesting to see how it works out...I'm used to dealing with customers at their residences, not at a table! But in all honesty, my car could use the break, so I'm looking forward to it.

I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving. I figure this will be an opportunity to redeem myself to my extended family, as it will be the first time I've been to a family function since I got clean. Last Thanksgiving was awful. I nearly OD'd in the bathroom at my grandmother's house. Not fun. Looking back, however, I now see that what I perceived as words of disgust from them were simply words of caring. I thought that they just wanted to judge me and break me down, but in reality they just cared and wanted me to beat my addiction.

This year is also going to be different at Thanksgiving because unlike as in the past 3 years, I will not be drinking with the rest of my family. They do allow me to drink the wine at dinner, but I figure it would be best not to be tempted, because to Josh, moderation does not exist when it comes to alcohol. When Josh drinks, he drinks out the whole bar. Therefore, I just won't drink at all. :)

**To Dad & Mom--

When you pick up Alex on Wednesday, tell him I send my best wishes and look forward to hearing from him!**

Take care everyone,
Josh

-Blank-

The last few days I've been feeling pretty blank. I guess you could say I've got some mixed emotions goin' on...worried, depressed, happy, nervous, anxious...I suppose this just last week just hasn't been my week. It kinda sucks! But I guess these things happen.

Today has been very up and down...I've been thinking a lot about the past. Thinking about whether things would be different if certain things hadn't happened or if I'd done things differently. Went through old photos and thought about the innocence I had back when I was younger. That made me sad. It made me think about the pain I've put people through. I hate that. I hate thinking about the emotional suffering I've inflicted upon my friends and family...it makes me sick to think about.

These days of reflecting on the past sure are an emotional rollercoaster. If you folks hadn't noticed, I find a lot of comfort in music. I can always find lyrics to describe how I feel, and on days like today, the song "Keepsake" by the band State Radio does a pretty damn good job of it;

One gonna heal my body another gonna heal my pain
One gonna settle me down then bring me back up again

I`m gonna put my family back together again

One gonna hold my woman another gonna hold my job
One gonna help me get up, another gonna help me stop

One gonna help me talk right, one gonna lay me down to sleep

(Humming)

One gonna hold my thoughts and another gonna hold my bones
One gonna keep me warm and another gonna keep me cold

One gonna bring religon, right from a Coleman stove
One gonna help me keep em` another gonna help me tame

One gonna run me down (Hell a bullets in my way)

You`re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

(humming)

I`m gonna buckle my belt around the ceiling pipe
I`m gonna buckle my knees and I`m gonna lock em` up tight

I`m gonna hold a pen while you drag my arm across the page

One gonna hold my memories another gonna close the door
One gonna leave me restless another wanting more

You`re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

(Humming)

Until next time,
Josh

Unable to Sleep

Blegh. It's incredible how one made up word can describe how someone is feeling!

So as the title of this post says, I can't sleep. You might be able to describe me as a bit of a nervous wreck right now, as I have to meet with my PO today. On that note, I want to extend a thanks to those of you who commented my last entry. I really appreciate the well-wishing you guys give, it helps a lot.

BUT...today is not going to be fun. I have to meet with the PO, go drop a UA, then work. Now the UA I'm not worried about, because I have nothing to hide. However, it does upset me a great deal that this officer makes me take them. I was not charged or convicted of a drug crime. I never have been. It's upsetting that every time she makes me drop, I literally piss away $18 into a cup, when I hardly ever have the $18 to begin with!!! But oh well, I suppose I must do what I have to do. I just think it's kinda strange for someone who was convicted of Harassment by Telephone to have to drop UA's...am I alone in that thinking?!

On a more positive note, I work tonight. Thank God! I know I've said it before, but I just have to say it again...I absolutely adore my co-workers, and I love my job. I realize that being a delivery driver for Pizza Hut isn't exactly a great career path, but while I'm young, I think it's awesome! :) But yea...I love it when I have to work...dealing with customers and people is something I've always enjoyed. I am thankful for my job!

AND...going even further on that 'positive note', Friday is payday, which means I can finally pay my car insurance up to current, so they'll stop sending me cancellation notices! Now as much as I love my car, I'm kinda jealous of my sister. Her insurance (granted, she is under my parents' policy), is only $108/month for full coverage! But, she also has a 4-door Ford Focus. Me on the other hand, I pay $160/month just for liability, but I suppose I kinda hurt myself when I decided to buy a Firebird. Oh well, it's a great deal of fun! I won't lie...it does feel good to be liberated from my parents in the since that I'm paying for a lot of things on my own, BUT at the same time it sucks. Welcome to adulthood, my parents say. Eh, oh well...once I finish college and get a decent job it'll be easier, right?! ;)

Now, story time! When I bought my Firebird in March, I was still using...a lot. I didn't have any money at all for anything...gas, insurance, tags, etc. I guess having these financial responsibilities that I have, is one thing that has helped me to stay clean. Monthly insurance payments, chipping in for my portion of the phone bill, credit card payments, maintaining two checking accounts with different banks...I just don't have the spare cash TO use anymore if I still WANTED to. Moral of the story-- With responsibility came sobriety. For that, I am thankful.

Take care, everyone.
Josh

Worried? Oh yes. Very much so.

I got a call on Friday. From my local probation officer. She is not a pleasant woman, to say the least. She was not happy with me, because I hadn't told her that I moved back. But I was told by my PO in Coffeyville that since I am moving back down there in January, he would continue to supervise me so we wouldn't have to deal with the fiasco of transferring my case back down there again.

So she called me, and told me that because of my actions I am out of compliance because I haven't been reporting, and so therefore she is referring my case back to the sentencing judge for a revocation of probation. I have to meet with her on Tuesday...and I am not looking forward to it. At all.

This probation officer...makes me feel lower than low. Every time I have met with her, I have left almost in tears because of the way she breaks me down. The band 'Gallows' provides a more clear example of how this woman makes me feel:

"There is nothing left for me,
I want to kill myself just for relief.
Black cloud, death shroud.
The weight of the world dragging me down.
I have nothing to offer anyone,
the hopes of the hopeless coming undone,
misery is my only friend,
she is a cold fucking snake,
but she is not the end."

Am I worried? Oh yes, very much so. Wish me luck everyone, I've got a feeling I'm going to need it.

Take care,
Josh

Relaxation

So I've got a nice weekend of relaxation ahead, which will be nice...I need some time off! I'm thankful that my boss didn't schedule me to close Friday or Saturday, and gave me the day off Sunday. Normally whenever I have this kinda weekend time off, I would go and get high, but those days are far behind. Praise God!

This next week, though, is going to be busy busy!! Monday I'm driving down to Coffeyville, KS to enroll for second semester. My scholarship sponsor has been such a great help with schooling...he successfully got my scholarship back for me so I can continue to attend CCC beginning in January, so pretty soon I'm gonna be moving back down there to give this another shot! Hopefully things work out this time around. :)

So Monday I'm driving down and back in the same day...not exactly fun because my car gets a GREAT 12 MPG! WOO! BUT...it's worth it. Then on Wednesday, I have to drive down and back AGAIN to meet with my probation officer, which I also don't mind, because my PO down in Coffeyville is a hell of a lot more understanding of a guy than the lady I had to meet here in Johnson County. Thank God that I'm still able to meet with him even though I live 165 miles out of his jurisdiction!

*** *** ***

So drifting from the subject of my busy week ahead, I met with my psychiatrist today. I'll be honest, when I first started seeing this doctor, I absolutely hated him. I hated the fact that he was trying to get into my head, because as far as I was concerned, my mind was MINE, and visitors were unwelcome. The first visit I had with him not only involved me, but also my parents, younger sisters, and grandparents. Before I had a chance to even say anything to him, my parents told him I was a drug addict. That really pissed me off, because at the time, even though my whole family knew I was using, I still didn't want to be branded with that label. It just didn't sound pleasant, and I've always tried to put off a classy, professional act when it comes to my appearance, and drug addict just didn't fit that definition.

BUT...after several visits, I began to trust this guy, and now I consider him more of a "friend" rather than someone I pay $75 to talk to for an hour! Today he asked me how my recovery has been going, and of course I told him it was going well. He told me that he has had several patients who have struggled with the same addiction, and some of them have successfully kicked the habit, but others are still struggling with it pretty badly. I told him I wasn't shocked, because opiate-based pharmaceuticals are becoming very prevalent in our society, which is a shame.

To be honest, I am very shocked I have come to the point where I discuss this very touchy subject at all. However, I'm glad I have allowed myself to open up. I used to act like a little hardass punk who thought he was invincible and king of the world. I now know that no one is invincible, and our actions always catch up with us, ALWAYS. But, there is a motto I live by when it comes to drugs, and it's a quite simple one, taken from a song (it seems like I take a lot of things from songs), "Don't Look Back".

"I can see
It took so long just to realize
I'm much too strong
Not to compromise
Now I see what I am is holding me down
I'll turn it around, oh yes I will"

Now let me interpret this as it relates to addiction recovery:

I can see that it just took so long to realize that addiction is bad. I'm much too strong to let this control my life, and I see that it is holding me down, but I can turn it around.

It sure does seem like classic rock has a lot of good lessons hidden within the lyrics, in my opinion!

I hope everyone has a rockin' day!
Josh

That First Time

Thinking back, I still remember the first time. In fact, I remember it vividly. During Spring Break of my junior year in high school. 17 years old.

"So what do I do...can I get high if I eat it, or do I have to snort it, 'cause I really don't wanna do that." -Me

"No you dumbfuck, if you eat it it will be a waste of your money. Here, I'll walk you through it so you don't fuck up your first time." -Person

"Ok...thanks man." -Me

"No problem man...you and I...we are like brothers here...and I want your first high to be awesome, because that's what friends do, they make sure their bro's don't ruin their first high." -Person

*** *** ***

Thinking back on that first time, I am still confused as to why I tried the shit. I didn't even know how to do it, for crying out loud! I had to have someone walk me through how to crush up a pill, line it up, and snort it!

I suppose it is because I used to keep to myself and do things on my own, but then I made a "friend" whom I thought was a "good" influence on me. Yes, I knew he was a user, but I always told myself that I'd never do that! But, for someone who was starving for social acceptance, dope was what made that happen........at the time. After that first time, it seems as if I was doping up for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks between meals. I felt as if I were on top of the world, but in reality, I wasn't. And I knew that, I just didn't want to accept it.

This went on from Spring Break all the way to right before I started my senior year. I made another friend, who made me realize that you didn't have to get high to have a good time. At first I didn't believe him, and so everytime he would have get-togethers at his place, I'd secretly bring a pocket full o' dope and sneak off into the bathroom at regular intervals to dose up. Then, one night, I decided to see if what he had told me was true. Was it possible to have fun without being high? Sure enough, he was right, and after I realized that, this new friend told me WHY he hated drugs so much. Per his request, I won't go into detail, but it made me think. We had a good, long talk, and he encouraged me to fess up to my parents, who already had their suspicions. He told me if I couldn't do it alone, he'd go with to support me. I was grateful for that, and I accepted the offer to have him help me out.

However, this success was short lived...I fell into a deep depression and turned to the only thing I knew to make me happy at the time...that little green pill that looked better in the form of straight, white lines on my desk.

Thinking back...if I had known what kind of evil web addiction was first hand, I would have just up and left the basement that night, but unfortunately I didn't know what was about to happen, I figured it was just having a good time with my buddies.

Be strong and have faith, everyone!

Take care,
Josh

Feelings of Worthlessness

The biggest weapon addiction has to hold us addicts in its grasp is the power to make us feel worthless. To make us feel as if we have nothing to live for...to make us feel so terrible and so worthless that we have no other option but to use.

Self-Worth is highly important. When I was using I felt lower than low, as if I was as important as a pile of dog shit. It was that feeling that was a key factor in drawing me back to using each and every time. Those of you that read this who have addicted loved ones need to stress to your addicted loved ones how important they are, and how much they mean to you. To hear words of encouragement is a major component in recovery.

I continue to wish all of you the best, and remind each and every one of you to never lose faith, and always keep up hope.

Take care,
Josh

Focusing on Other Things

One thing I found to aid in recovery is to stay focused on other things. Find a hobby and stick with it!

For me, it was work. I've always loved working. Since my freshman year of high school I have always been employed. Sure, I've changed jobs, but the thought of being employed and getting a steady paycheck is a great feeling. Presently I am a delivery driver for the Pizza Hut in my hometown. It's great. My co-workers all know exactly what I have been going through, and they have been awesome support. When you have to focus on a commitment, it makes it a lot harder to find time to use, in my opinion.

There was a time, however, that work was not enough, so I picked up a hobby- detailing cars for people. I've always loved cars. A lot. So what better way to occupy my time when I'm not working than to make them look good?!

It seems as though this entry is a lot shorter than most of my entries normally are, but I just wanted to update and continue to let everyone know that there is hope, so stay strong and don't give up! Now with that, I'm off to work, so take care everyone!

P.S- I hope everyone in the KC area enjoyed the beautiful day today!

Take care,
Josh

A Big Fear

"You're not alone, there is more to this I know-
You can make it out, you can live to tell" -'You're Not Alone', Saosin

One of the biggest fears of every addict is the thought of being alone. Not physically alone, but rather emotionally alone. We feel like everyone abandons us because of our choices. However, that is not even remotely true. It is obvious that there are people who show love and support to addicts, but we just fail to see that, because we are so ashamed of what we have done. Ashamed of the stain we have brought to our families.

Noone is ever really alone. Addiction is a battle that can only be won by the person fighting it, but the person fighting can have as much backup as they wish--and that's where parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, aunts and uncles all come into play. Without the support of those close to you, addiction cannot be conquered. Addiction's only weakness is love. Remember that, and the next time you see or talk to your loved one who is addicted, tell them you love them, and you're there to support them all the way to sobriety. It'll brighten their day, and yours, too.

Take care,
Josh

That Evil, 7-Letter Word

Relapse. Every recovering addict's biggest fear. Every family member of a recovering addict's biggest fear. It happens. Although we fear it, and hope it never happens, it is one of those unfortunate obstacles in the quest to getting clean.

I will admit, I have relapsed. The biggest reason being due to depression. When I moved to Coffeyville, KS several months back, I was scared, and with fear brought depression, and with depression brought a relapse. I realized I wasn't ready for college, to be on my own. I was scared. A new environment is always a scary thing, especially for someone who has lived in the same place their entire life. Since 1994 I have called De Soto, KS and the Kansas City area home, and all of a sudden, I was away from here. I had vowed to myself never to use again. I cannot express in words alone how disappointed I was in myself as I was crushing up those OC's. After I railed those 4 neat, little parallel lines, I felt horrible. Guilty. More depressed. The next day I immediately called my aunt, one of the few people I felt I could truly trust. She told me that these kinds of things happen, and to not worry. That was one positive about being 165 miles away from home...whenever I felt like I needed to use, I couldn't find it, and I couldn't afford the gas to drive back.

When I moved back home 3 and a half weeks ago, that was one thing that scared me to death, but I've found that if you occupy your time with work, it's hard to find the time to use. Thank God for my job, and my supportive co-workers. They all know exactly what I am going through, and support me staying clean.

Whenever I think about relapse...a song comes to mind. It's called "Accidents Can Happen", and it's by Sixx:A.M. The lyrics...are more powerful than any mind-altering substance us addicts could ever dream of putting into our bodies. (In my opinion, anyway). Here is a cut of the lyrics from the above mentioned song:

"Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause i know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist"

Great song by a great band, I suggest all of my readers listen to this. As I said, it's very powerful and I pray it will give all of you who are struggling with addicted loved ones hope. It sure did for my family when I burned this single track to a CD and left it on the kitchen counter in the middle of the night.

*Oh and by the way, I appreciate the comments so far. I hope that you, my readers, can use this blog as a beacon of hope! Just remember...accidents DO happen, but remember, faith, hope, love, and support are more powerful than any addiction that could be afflicting anyone on this Earth.

Peace be with you,
Josh

A Reading Suggestion

For those who might be interested in reading memoirs of addiction, I would suggest reading "The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rockstar" by Nikki Sixx, bassist, songwriter, and founder of the band Motley Crue. It's definitely a great read and worth the money to buy the book.

Stupid Decisions

"Yesterday I longed to die
Fell to the ground, and the ground caught me
Now today I question why I feel" -'100 Words', A.F.I

When I look back on the last two years it makes me sad. Sad to see what I have done to those close to me and to see how I have damaged my reputation as the good, smart kid with a bright future. Tuesday, September 16, 2008 is a day that I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.

I decided to ditch school that day and get high, no different than many other days. This day, however, I was short on the cash I needed, and my sister had gotten a ride to school from her boyfriend, so she left her purse AND car at home, unlocked. Sure enough, she had $40 in her purse, which was just enough for what I needed.

That night, she discovered the money missing, and told her boyfriend, and he called me and started breaking me down trying to feel guilty, and it worked. What do I do? I go and get some more shit. Didn't go home that night, I passed out in my car after doing too much Xanax. Seven hours after passing out, a cop is waking me up and telling me that since I'm 18 I don't have to go home, but I do have to take the car home, because my parents own it. I agree and he escorts me back home. Long story short, I got into a huge fight with my parents, grabbed a knife, told them I was sorry for putting them through this hell, and started threatening suicide. This was Wednesday, September 17th. My mom called the police, I ditched the knife in the front yard, and took off on foot to school. The police surrounded the entire area, including the school, and called a lockdown...if you live in the KC area you probably saw this incident on the news. When I got word of the lockdown, I darted outta the building and headed to Sonic, and locked myself in the bathroom, and just started crying like a little kid. Needless to say, I was found, and taken into custody. But, rather than be taken to jail, they took me to Rainbow Mental Health Facility. That place....was horrible. Those were the worst two days of my life. My parents got me out, which surprised me, and took me home, which surprised me even more. I knew this entire thing had been caused by drugs...but what did I do when I got home? I got picked up by a friend and we took a trip to the dealer.

I guess it didn't quite sink in at that time that if I kept using, things like that were bound to happen.

Peace be with you,
Josh

Hey Everyone

"So don't give up, it takes awhile" -'Accidents Can Happen', Sixx:A.M

Hello everyone, and welcome...to anyone who might be reading this.

My name is Josh, and I am a 19 year old addict in recovery. Over the past two years I've been addicted to OxyContin, and it has been Hell. My first clean date was April 6, 2009. Although I have relapsed several times since then due to stress and depression. That's another thing- I struggle with clinical depression, and that made it even more difficult to start kicking the habit.

Basically the purpose I have for this blog is to help others who might be struggling themselves, or know someone who is struggling, and to support them in their efforts to get clean, because as an addict, I know that the only way to truly kick the habit is to have the support of friends, loved ones, and those who care.

In this blog I'll cover a wide range of issues that press on the lives of addicts and their loved ones, such as lies, relapse, legal issues, stealing, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. I look forward to doing what I can to help you, my readers, out.

Peace be with you,
Josh