Last night was awful. It started with me going to my grandmother's birthday dinner, and ended with me sleeping in my car.
My mom's side of the family has always been about perfection and image, and in their eyes, the tattoo I got on my left shoulder makes me "less than".
So basically, words flew around the room, complaining about my tat (that they couldn't even see!), I got pissed off, and stormed outta the house, and sped off back towards home. Meanwhile, my mom phoned my dad and let him know about the situation, so when I got home, I walked inside, and words flew between him and I. That was fun. So I once again, stormed out the front door and took off in my car, and ended up sleeping in it for half the night in the parking lot of my work. But, my dad texted me around 3:00 AM, and told me to just come home, so I did. We settled things, I apologized, and now all is well once again. But that still doesn't change the fact that last night really sucked!
Now for confession time--
Last night, when all this was going down, I wanted to use. Really bad. I didn't, but the thought was there, in the back of my mind, "If I could get high, all these shitty feelings would go away".
But....I refrained. I stayed strong. That right there just shows that even once you get sober, that urge can still haunt you.
And with that, I'd like to wish everyone hope in dealing your life's troubles and struggles, and remind you all that you are in my thoughts, and I'd also like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!
Take care,
Josh
Cancer Update
11 months ago
Wow. Sorry your family is so uptight about tattoos. My son has three of them and although I wish he would have thought about it before inking himself for life (he was 17) I support him. I guess the fact that I have several kind of make a difference :)
ReplyDeleteJosh, I'm sorry for you sucky night BUT how awesome that you chose NOT to give in to the urge to use! Good for YOU! You can do that next time and the time again too. I am sure there are going to be moments when the desire is there, so look back to the night in your car and remind yourself how strong you are and how good you feel for choosing NOT to go there!
You chose a photo for this blog that looks like a guy with a sense of humor. Be patient with your family. They've more than likely gone through a lot.
ReplyDeleteHi Josh -
ReplyDeleteI read a book called "The Four Agreements". Basically about a simple way to live your life drama free. One of the "Agreements" was to not take anything personal. I believe that anytime someone has an opinion "solicited or not" about someone else's decisions/life (even if it is your immediate family), that it is just that "Their Opinion". We all have our own perspective on things and as we grow older, we hopefully gain the confidence necessary to stay calm in situations like the one you described and realize that each person's life's experiences form their opinions/perspective and it is unique from all others.
My son has two large tatoos (one on each shoulder) that he got when he was 18. He is 21 now and regrets getting them. There is a new wave of older people (40's-50's) that are getting tatoos (if that makes you feel any better).
Just remember, that God made you as a unique person (there is no one on earth like you) and you have power within yourself (just like everyone) that is untapped and waiting to be realized!
Peace, love and happiness to you!
Josh, you deserve such "atta boys" for not giving in to the urge to use. In fact, I would say to you that that mekes the day a great day instead of an awful day! You demonstrated such strength and maturity. And I promise you that if your family truly understood what you went though as you debated going back, they would be so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteAs a mom of an addict, you just gave me hope for my son (who moved past Oxy to H) and is in his third formal rehab attempt.
Josh, I am so very proud of you. Happy Thanksgiving.
Josh,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear of your evening and struggle. There will always be people that do not understand others and what they don't understand they attack.
You should really feel good about yourself. Handled a stress without going where you knew you couldn't go. Great.
Don't sweat the small stuff. Obviously they were treating you as the child and not the adult you have come to be. That is their problem not yours. It has been one of my hardest struggles but I have began to overcome my need to take on others issues. Peace comes when you can master that skill.
I don't know if you do the 12 step thing or what or have a sponser or what but if you ever need someone older from the outside to talk to you know where we live. No need to sleep in your car all stressed out, we have a guest room. If you need a phone number e-mail.
ps.: Mom says any of her kids that gets a tattoo is out of the will, but I'm sure she wouldn't stop loving them LOL (May be funny but I think she is serious)
Josh, not to sound like an out-of touch parent, but I appreciate this post because it is illustrating to me what I have been learning I'm not supposed to do. Such as, I should let my daughter be the individual God made her to be and not make her feel less-than on less-than important stuff. I'm glad you didn't give in last night (the night before?) and I hope you had a peaceful Thanksgiving :)
ReplyDeleteJosh, first and foremost, right on for working through the rough spot without using. That is fantastic! I wrote a post the other day about anger towards my son, who is addicted to oxy. Thank you Josh, your struggle that caused you to write this post, opened my eyes and allowed me to see what it is like for my son when I act out my anger on him. You just helped me more than you can imagine. Bless you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I got my first tat at age 19 and now I am FIFTY!!! I still don't regret any of them, I consider it art work. THAT SAID, mine are fairly small and easily hidden. One consideration would be "is this something I want to represent me for the rest of my life?" I've posted pics of my son's on my WFIO if you ever want to see mine and his, here's a link:
ReplyDeletehttp://barbaralayla.blogspot.com/search/label/Tattoos
You should be proud of yourself, stay strong.
ReplyDelete