Music has a way of speaking to me. When I hear a song, I can find a way to relate to the lyrics in some way or another. While sitting at my desk today, iTunes on shuffle, a song came on that I haven't heard in awhile. It was "Let Your Troubles Roll By" by the band Carbon Leaf.
Noone could say it more plainly, get over your issues and just let them get by you. As a recovering addict and someone who struggles with severe clinical depression, music has been my source of comfort.
Today has been difficult. I don't have the urge to use today, but rather in recent days the urge of another addiction has been plaguing me. I used to be a self-injurer. From the time I was 14 to almost 17 it plagued me. I've resisted it, but it has been tough. Winter is incredibly hard on me emotionally. It always has been. For about 2 years or so, I would go into the woods by my house to a tree that was really good for climbing (I've always loved climbing trees), and just sit up there on the same branch everyday and just cry. Everyday. I'm worried that this coming winter will be no different, and I'm slightly worried about my sobriety, because when I get heavily depressed, that is what makes me want to use.
But going back to today...I've just been holed up in my room all day. I left once to go get some Skoal from the gas station, but aside from that, I've been in here all day. I even called into work...told them I was having a panic attack. I'm a nervous wreck right now, but I can't put my finger on why. Oh well...hopefully a good night's sleep will help with that.
Oh...and 40 days until January 9th. I'm NOT ready for that. Worst...day...of...the...year. :(
Take care, everyone.
Josh
Cancer Update
11 months ago
Josh, I will pray that your feelings will change and that your being down will lift tonight. I have been reading your blog for awhile now, and I want you to know it helps me. I'm the mom of an 18 yr. old addict who I'm very worried about, that's put us through a ton of pain for the last 3 yr.s,..and he's not doing as well as you are. You give me hope. I sense your wonderful spirit through your writing...and whatever you're feeling, I think it's important to know that you're helping me and I'm SURE, many other people, to have hope that the addict they love may begin the recovery that you have. Ironically, in relation to music, while I'm typing here to you,..I'm also watching the HBO show that's the concert of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 25th annivesary...it's great. Please hang in there. Others care about you and you should be proud of how well you're doing and what you've come from.
ReplyDeleteLori
(((Josh))) I'm really sorry you're going through this. One Day At A Time. Its all any of us, in any circumstance, can do. I know a bit about self-injury...I'm sorry you have to suffer like this. It is suffering but it temporary. I KNOW you can get through to the other side and be free.
ReplyDeleteI am pouting about NOT being able to see the RRHOF concert but I wrote about it:
http://laylasclassicrock.blogspot.com/
You've probably never even heard of Ed Sullivan huh?
Thinking of you and caring about you,
Barbara