The last few days I've been feeling pretty blank. I guess you could say I've got some mixed emotions goin' on...worried, depressed, happy, nervous, anxious...I suppose this just last week just hasn't been my week. It kinda sucks! But I guess these things happen.
Today has been very up and down...I've been thinking a lot about the past. Thinking about whether things would be different if certain things hadn't happened or if I'd done things differently. Went through old photos and thought about the innocence I had back when I was younger. That made me sad. It made me think about the pain I've put people through. I hate that. I hate thinking about the emotional suffering I've inflicted upon my friends and family...it makes me sick to think about.
These days of reflecting on the past sure are an emotional rollercoaster. If you folks hadn't noticed, I find a lot of comfort in music. I can always find lyrics to describe how I feel, and on days like today, the song "Keepsake" by the band State Radio does a pretty damn good job of it;
One gonna heal my body another gonna heal my pain
One gonna settle me down then bring me back up again
I`m gonna put my family back together again
One gonna hold my woman another gonna hold my job
One gonna help me get up, another gonna help me stop
One gonna help me talk right, one gonna lay me down to sleep
(Humming)
One gonna hold my thoughts and another gonna hold my bones
One gonna keep me warm and another gonna keep me cold
One gonna bring religon, right from a Coleman stove
One gonna help me keep em` another gonna help me tame
One gonna run me down (Hell a bullets in my way)
You`re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago
(humming)
I`m gonna buckle my belt around the ceiling pipe
I`m gonna buckle my knees and I`m gonna lock em` up tight
I`m gonna hold a pen while you drag my arm across the page
One gonna hold my memories another gonna close the door
One gonna leave me restless another wanting more
You`re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago
(Humming)
Until next time,
Josh
Cancer Update
1 year ago
Wow...I love those lyrics. I am the same way with music, I can find a song for every emotion and circumstance and some songs are just burned into my soul...in a good way.
ReplyDeleteYou said "I hate thinking about the emotional suffering I've inflicted upon my friends and family...it makes me sick to think about."
As I read that my thoughts were "you can't change what you've put them through, but you can make those feelings (yours and theirs) a faded memory by continuing to stay off drugs and living your life honestly, like you are doing right now. My son's sobriety weighs so much more in GOOD than his addiction did in BAD. I can't think of a song for that, but I will!!! I hope it makes sense.
Take care......don't beat yourself up over the past- look at how happy you'll make them by staying off drugs.
ReplyDeleteFirst drugs beat people up, then they stalk people with regret. Forgive yourself. Turn, run into your future and God will amaze you with His power to heal and restore.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog. My kid is still out there and your sharings give me hope..for today. Keep on keeping on. I, too, struggle with the regrets of the past at times. And just for perspective...I wish my kid had a job he loved..go Pizza Hut!!
ReplyDeleteNamaste
The people you have hurt are dying to forgive you. Forgiveness is an extrememly healthy emotion for everyone. But before theie forgiveness means anything, you must forgive yourself and continue your move forward.
ReplyDeleteMany times people use the phrase, "turn the page" to describe moving on with their life. I can see where with an addict turning the page isn't quite enough. It's more like you must close the book and go to the library to begin a whole new story. You have begun a new book. The old story isn't gone, it is just over.