Relapse. Every recovering addict's biggest fear. Every family member of a recovering addict's biggest fear. It happens. Although we fear it, and hope it never happens, it is one of those unfortunate obstacles in the quest to getting clean.
I will admit, I have relapsed. The biggest reason being due to depression. When I moved to Coffeyville, KS several months back, I was scared, and with fear brought depression, and with depression brought a relapse. I realized I wasn't ready for college, to be on my own. I was scared. A new environment is always a scary thing, especially for someone who has lived in the same place their entire life. Since 1994 I have called De Soto, KS and the Kansas City area home, and all of a sudden, I was away from here. I had vowed to myself never to use again. I cannot express in words alone how disappointed I was in myself as I was crushing up those OC's. After I railed those 4 neat, little parallel lines, I felt horrible. Guilty. More depressed. The next day I immediately called my aunt, one of the few people I felt I could truly trust. She told me that these kinds of things happen, and to not worry. That was one positive about being 165 miles away from home...whenever I felt like I needed to use, I couldn't find it, and I couldn't afford the gas to drive back.
When I moved back home 3 and a half weeks ago, that was one thing that scared me to death, but I've found that if you occupy your time with work, it's hard to find the time to use. Thank God for my job, and my supportive co-workers. They all know exactly what I am going through, and support me staying clean.
Whenever I think about relapse...a song comes to mind. It's called "Accidents Can Happen", and it's by Sixx:A.M. The lyrics...are more powerful than any mind-altering substance us addicts could ever dream of putting into our bodies. (In my opinion, anyway). Here is a cut of the lyrics from the above mentioned song:
"Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause i know you'll need a friend
And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.
Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist"
Great song by a great band, I suggest all of my readers listen to this. As I said, it's very powerful and I pray it will give all of you who are struggling with addicted loved ones hope. It sure did for my family when I burned this single track to a CD and left it on the kitchen counter in the middle of the night.
*Oh and by the way, I appreciate the comments so far. I hope that you, my readers, can use this blog as a beacon of hope! Just remember...accidents DO happen, but remember, faith, hope, love, and support are more powerful than any addiction that could be afflicting anyone on this Earth.
Peace be with you,
Josh
Cancer Update
10 months ago
Josh,
ReplyDeleteI recommend Sixx AM too - hearing Nikki's voice on some of the tracks her narrates really gets to me. I'm a big fan of his because he's doing something positive to help others.
I understand relapse but am still holding out hope for this time since my son will head straight back to jail if he uses (and gets caught). He's still in jail which is probably the only thing keeping him clean.
I am so glad you are writing here!!
Hi Josh, I found you through another blog I read.
ReplyDeleteI am just a wife and mother, but I have a nephew who is in prison. He did some crazy things while on drugs. He is paying his debt and I love him through it all. He is my heart. I hope you have someone who is there for you and loves you through the hard times.
It's not your whole life, it is only one day. Pretty powerful lyrics that help us to understand that relapse does not have to be the end of recovery. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and I am glad you only made it "one day" and not your "whole life".
ReplyDeleteBeing from a totally different generation, I've not heard this son. I'll buy it for my iPod so I can listen to it-- maybe follow your example and give it to my son to read. Reading how you talk about railroading oxy reminds me of my son's lingo. I never knew what the green stains were on his white t-shirts until my son told me its how he removed the time-release coating before chopping up the 80's he was taking. Sadly, oxy doesn't work for my son anymore. Heroin is his new drug of choice. He says it's cheaper and easier to find. He relapses every 10 days or so. I keep praying he'll finally resort to things that you describe. He says the needs to use is so powerful that he can't make it past 15 days. Still, your blog gives me hope. My love for him is immeasurable, it's so great.
ReplyDelete