UNBELIEVABLE.

SO. Tonight, I went to visit a friend I've had since middle school (The girl I'm standing with in my picture).

I got to her place about 8:30 last night, and left about 3:00 AM.

DURING THAT TIME- Something happened to my car. When I went to leave, I started my car, and couldn't believe my ears. It sounded as if my V-6 Grand Am had magically turned into my V-8 Firebird I had which I sold back in February. So I shut the car off, and started it up again to make sure I was hearing straight.

I was. I got out and looked underneath the car at my exhaust with my emergency flashlight I keep in the car, and I about DIED of shock.

Someone stole a section of the exhaust from my car while I was visiting Lindsay.

I...AM...FURIOUS.

>:[

What the Hell is Wrong With Me???

I'm broke. VERY broke.

My job, as awesome as it may be...sucks. I'm constantly looking for additional employment, but I cannot find any work. I can't do this "work for 2 days a week" crap anymore.

I am getting collection notices on an almost daily basis. My finances are a MESS.

I'm 19 years old. I shouldn't be in the financial state that I'm in. :[

**On the bright side, I'm off probation in 26 days. :]

Music = Therapy

This week has been awful, to put it lightly.

Monday night I was visiting a friend in the city who is a tattoo artist talking about possible ideas for my next tat. That part was good. It was a good visit, and I think I've settled on what I'm gonna get. BUT...after I left, I accidentally turned the wrong way down a one way street (Alternating one way streets confuse the hell outta me!), and so obviously I was pulled over. Now this cop...was a jerk. As soon as he demanded my license and proof of insurance, he asked me if I was in a stolen vehicle, and then demanded that I step out. I told him that it wasn't stolen, and he asked what a "Johnson County White Boy" was doing in the city, and I told him I had been visiting my tattoo artist. He told me to sit tight at the back of my car, and ran my name. Upon running my name, he found out I was on probation, called for backup, told me he was going to search my vehicle, and proceeded to tear apart the inside of my car.

He found nothing, and I could tell he was obviously pissed about that, but he had no grounds to hold me any longer, so he wrote me a warning for turning the wrong way down the street, and let me go.

What a great start to the week...and that was just the beginning. I've been feeling depressed and lonely all week, and there has been mass chaos at home with excess fighting between myself and my sisters, and it has just sucked.

However through all of this, I have found the soothing sounds of Elliott Smith to be the best medication ever. Better than any opiate I could snort, smoke, or inject, any drink I could mix up, and any anti-depressant my doctor could prescribe to me.

Now it's the weekend...let's hope that it goes well, and that next week brings better fortune.

Happy Friday!

LAME.

Last night sucked.

First, we were COMPLETELY dead at work, which is not so great for servers! Last Sunday I made out like a bandit. Last night, I barely made enough to pay for my portion of the phone bill.

IN ADDITION to that, my knee flared up, and this isn't like the "usual" flare-up I get when it starts to bother me. In most cases, it'll flare up, bother me for an hour or two, and go away. Not this time. It started giving me trouble about an hour before I got cut last night (about 7 PM). It is now 3:45 AM and giving me so much Hell I can't hardly handle the stairs to go up to my room.

This all means one thing- a trip to the doc in the morning, which I absolutely HATE going to the doc. DEFINITELY looking forward to that! AND my mum wants to take me out tomorrow evening after she gets off work to take pictures of me- she told me its been too long since she got some recent pics of me...about 4 years. The kicker is, she wants to take some of me with my car, but the car is FILTHY! And if my knee is still bothering me, it is NOT getting cleaned up.

I'm also pretty nervous about my financial state- it HAS gotten a little bit better now that I'm working again, BUT I am starting to think I got in a bit too far over my head with the car I bought. Sure, $180-ish a month isn't bad, but with insurance, it is.

OH THE AGGRAVATION!

BUT...there are some positives for this post, also!

-ALL of my legal fees/fines are paid down to the last dime, INCLUDING all of my traffic citations.

-I have no more outstanding legal issues staring me in the face, and I am ALMOST out of the woods (July 8th I get off probation).

-My grandfather is doing VERY well!

-I am clean and sober.

Hopefully all of you are feeling good fortune in some way, and I wish everyone a good week. :]

-Josh

The Letter From Addiction

Hey readers-

This is something I got in an email awhile back from a close family member, and I had completely forgotten about it until I was going through cleaning out my inbox tonight. I find it to be frighteningly true, so here it is...the Letter From Addiction-

Dear Friend,

I have come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. I want to make you restless so you cannot relax. I want to make you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you feel uncomfortable. I want you to be so confused and depressed that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody, especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you have done in the past and you'll never be able to let go of. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything, but me, for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to con and manipulate as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all. I want to make you wake all hours of the night screaming for me. I'm even in your dreams. I want to be the first thing you think about every morning and the last thing you think about before you blackout.

I'd rather kill you but I'd be happy enough to put you back in the hospital, another institution, or jail. But you know I'll be here waiting on you when you get out. I love to watch you go slowly insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I am causing you. I can't help but to sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.

It's amazing to watch you ignore yourself, not eating, not sleeping, not attending your personal hygiene. Yes, it's amazing how much destruction I can be to your internal organs while at the same time working on your brain, destroying it bit by bit.

I deeply appreciate how much you are sacrificing for me. The countless jobs you have given up for me, all the friends, whom you deeply cared for, you gave up for me. And what's more the ones you turned against because of your inexcusable actions. I am eternally grateful, especially for the loved ones, family, and most important people in your world that you have turned yourself against. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. After you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to keep you in a living Hell, to keep your mind, body, and soul for I will not be satisfied until you are dead, my friend.

Forever Yours,
Your Addiction


Thoughts, anyone?

Update? You bet.

Unemployment has finally come to an end for me. I start a new job this week! :]

I've been approved for financing on another Pontiac (Third one in a row!).

I'm going to the University of Kansas this fall (Rock Chalk Jayhawk!).

I haven't had an urge to use in a good while.

My grandfather is doing very well!!!

In short- Life...is...good. :]

How is everyone?

A Quote? Indeed.

"I know in my heart that man is good, that what is right will always eventually triumph and that there is purpose and worth to each and every life."

I am newly inspired by these words spoken by The Great Communicator, Ronald Reagan.

How is everyone?

Got Some Pretty Bad/Scary News Today :(

So I got a phone call today from my grandparents that made me cry pretty bad.

I don't know if I have mentioned it on here, but my grandfather has been battling cancer since last May. It started out in his liver and metastasized to his small intestines. Well good news came last June when he had surgery to remove close to 4 feet of his small intestines, and it was successful, and isolated the cancer to his liver. So anyways, following the surgery, a visit to his oncologist turned out to be good, as we were informed that he has a VERY rare, non-aggressive form of the cancer that a person can live with and be healthy for up to 20 years or more with it requiring minimal treatment consisting of a single shot once a month to slow down this already slow form of cancer.

BUT...good news can only go so far, as we found out earlier today. My grandfather had a monthly checkup with his oncologist today, and found out the results of a series of tests that were run at his last appointment. Unfortunately, his cancer has taken an unexpected turn for the worst, and has metastasized to his lymph nodes and stomach, and has begun to be more aggressive.

I am so scared, and so worried...I cannot even begin to imagine what life would be like without my grandpa. He is, without a doubt, my best friend. He has taught me almost everything I know about working on cars, he has taught me how to cook and wants me to take over his portion of ownership of his restaurant someday, he has taught me how to live as a Man of God and put all of my faith in God and trust Him in life, he has taught me how to respect and treat the ladies, and so much more. Like I said...I cannot even begin to imagine life without him...I am SO scared, and SO worried...I don't wanna lose him.

I understand that everyone eventually leaves the realm of the living and enters Heaven, but I don't wanna lose him to cancer. I lost a great uncle to cancer in May 2008, and by the the end of his 9-month battle with the disease, I couldn't even recognize him. I couldn't bear to see Grampa Stanley to go out that way...and when I talked to my dad about this today after I got home, I haven't seen my dad cry so hard since his baby brother committed suicide in 2006.

I cannot do this. I cannot let this get to me. I cannot self-medicate to numb the pain of reality. I must stay clean. I will stay clean. For my grandfather.

To all of you out there that pray, PLEASE say a prayer for my grandfather's health and for my family. You all have NO idea how much that would mean to me.

Thank you all so much in advance for your prayers. I really appreciate it.

Peace be with you,
Josh

Job Things? Yep. :]

I really hope my employment situation is going to be turning around soon. Had one interview today for a cashier position...nothing special, but it's Monday-Friday, 8 hours a day. I can handle that.

Second is tomorrow morning at 9:30 at K.C Premier Auto Detailing. Same deal...Monday-Friday, 8 hour days. I really hope my luck turns around. That would be nice!!!

How is everyone?
Josh

Traffic Stops? *Sigh*

I can understand being pulled over for speeding, running red lights/stop signs, failing to yield, and other serious violations. But for 1 bulb out of 4 being out in one of my tail lights is dumb. Now honestly. If you were a cop, would you pull someone over for this?!

Oh well. All I got was a "fix it and don't let me catch you again". I suppose I'm just bitching. Ha.

Agitation

I'm not sure I have ever been this agitated with not having a job. This is the first time since I STARTED working back at 16 that I have been unemployed. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't 30 degrees outside, because then I could actually be making money through my own detailing business.

I'm starting to lose my mind. I need a job! And not just for cash flow, but to make my probation officer happy, and most importantly to keep me occupied!

*sigh*

How's everyone doing today?
Josh

All Is Well

Things seem to be going well right now in Joshland.

I've moved on from my relapse, and I'm focusing on moving forward. One day at a time is the way to go.

I haven't had anymore temptation to use since my relapse, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful to God that He has given me the strength to move on and not let one slip-up ruin my recovery. Thankful that He has given me the strength to not let it destroy everything I have worked towards. Thankful that He has saved me and allowed me to move on with my life and get away from this evil demon.

To my readers- never give up hope, stay strong, and keep a high head for your loved ones who are struggling with their own addictions.

Praying for all of you!
Josh

Depressed.

*Sigh*

Today hasn't been so great and it's only 10:00 AM.

So far, since 7:00, I've been fighting with both of my sisters, my mom, my dad, and my sister's boyfriend. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I hate it. WHY CAN'T LIFE BE SIMPLE?!

:[

-Josh

It Happened.

I wasn't planning on it happening again, but it did, unfortunately.

I relapsed two nights ago. It started with a drink or two, and ended with a shot of OxyContin, followed by a few more drinks, and then me passing out.

I feel so, so stupid. And ashamed. And lots of things.

I'm going back to NA.

How is everyone else?
Josh

My Head Hurts

Saturday morning was heart-breaking and emotional, just as I knew it would be. Went up to Leavenworth National Cemetery to visit his grave site and spend a few moments with him. That was nice...brought back memories from the past, and I thought about last year on that day...I cut school early to get dope to dull the pain. I didn't do that this year. I did, however, go through more Skoal than usual, but I can handle that. That is the LEAST of my worries, I think. Sure, it would be nice if I could quit, but I've tried, and tobacco is brutal.

For me, I think tobacco is more difficult to live without than OxyContin was. I've tried to quit chewing many times before, and all of those times have resulted in a failure. It sucks!!! Here in De Soto, I pay $4 even for each can of Skoal I buy...and I usually chew anywhere from 1-2 cans a day. It's starting to add up. :[

BUT...I am making another attempt to quit, hence my head hurting. I figure if I can make it to 2 days without dippin' I'll be in good shape.

Take care, everyone!
Josh

Update

Alright. The two interviews went well on Tuesday, (I think so, anyway!) The GM at Pizza Hut absolutely loved me, and she is talking to her area manager about when I could get into the management training class and told me to give her a call on Saturday.

CarMax...the job that I would rather have, went OK. I'm kinda nervous about that one because they are doing a full background check including criminal history AND credit check to check my character. The manager I spoke to, however, thought highly of my credentials when it comes to detailing cars. SO...there is hope there, he told me to check back anytime next week.

But...tomorrow is a day I'm NOT looking forward to. At all. Planning on going up to Leavenworth alone tomorrow to reflect, which will be good. I miss my uncle :(

However...depressed is no way to end a post in a world where people need encouragement, so stay strong everyone!

Josh

Good Start to the Year

Yesterday I received two phone calls from two prospective employers, and now I have two interviews today. :)

One is kinda lame, it's for an assistant manager position at yet again ANOTHER Pizza Hut. Damn, I can't seem to get away from the Hut, can I?! ;) While I probably wouldn't bring in an incredibly great income, income is income, right?

The second, though, I would very much like to get. It's for a detailer position at CarMax. Seeing as how I absolutely love cars, and love makin' 'em look pretty, I'd like that. PLUS...the benefits that CarMax gives its employees are PHENOMENAL.

2010 is already turning out to be pretty good. I'm pleased. My probation officer even gave me kudos today for busting my ass looking for work!

Take care!
Josh

2010=A New Beginning

Well 2009 has passed, and I feel like going over a brief review of my life last year.

January '09- Was using on a daily basis, and didn't really have any drive to get clean. I didn't care, I felt like I was invincible.

February '09- Got hired at the Bonner Springs Pizza Hut as a driver, and to me that was awesome, because I could use my tips every night to get high. Two weeks after starting there, I got fired when they caught me drinking on the job, so I went and applied at the Hut in my hometown where I continued to work and use my tips for dope.

March '09- The law came at me full-force. I was arrested and charged with three counts of felony criminal threat. My parents paid the bond but I was told I had a month to re-pay them so they could make the house payment.

April '09- I got clean. I didn't want to, but I didn't have a choice. After bonding out of jail I was placed on Bond Supervision and that came with random UA's. I sold my nice car that I loved so much to re-pay my parents for the bail money, and took what was left and bought the Firebird.

May '09 - July '09- I was in court almost weekly for the Criminal Threat garbage. I ended up taking a plea deal that reduced the charges to misdemeanor assault and got probation for a year.

August '09- Turned 19, moved to Coffeyville for school, got scared/nervous/depressed, and relapsed.

September '09- Driving up to KC from Coffeyville every other weekend to work at the Hut while working at the Hut down there during the week and going to school. Good month.

October '09- Got my scholarship pulled for missing too many classes and moved back home. Parents weren't happy.

November '09- Started this blog and found all of you cool people ;), and it has been a good support group. For that I am thankful!

December '09- Wrapped up 2009 with a night of music and mayhem! Had some fellow musicians over and we just shredded the final hours of 2009 away. Good ending to a not-so-good year.

I'm hoping that 2010 will bring better fortune for everyone struggling with various life issues. Remember to be strong, never give up hope, and good fortune will eventually come your way.

Stay strong, everyone!
Josh