So I've got a nice weekend of relaxation ahead, which will be nice...I need some time off! I'm thankful that my boss didn't schedule me to close Friday or Saturday, and gave me the day off Sunday. Normally whenever I have this kinda weekend time off, I would go and get high, but those days are far behind. Praise God!
This next week, though, is going to be busy busy!! Monday I'm driving down to Coffeyville, KS to enroll for second semester. My scholarship sponsor has been such a great help with schooling...he successfully got my scholarship back for me so I can continue to attend CCC beginning in January, so pretty soon I'm gonna be moving back down there to give this another shot! Hopefully things work out this time around. :)
So Monday I'm driving down and back in the same day...not exactly fun because my car gets a GREAT 12 MPG! WOO! BUT...it's worth it. Then on Wednesday, I have to drive down and back AGAIN to meet with my probation officer, which I also don't mind, because my PO down in Coffeyville is a hell of a lot more understanding of a guy than the lady I had to meet here in Johnson County. Thank God that I'm still able to meet with him even though I live 165 miles out of his jurisdiction!
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So drifting from the subject of my busy week ahead, I met with my psychiatrist today. I'll be honest, when I first started seeing this doctor, I absolutely hated him. I hated the fact that he was trying to get into my head, because as far as I was concerned, my mind was MINE, and visitors were unwelcome. The first visit I had with him not only involved me, but also my parents, younger sisters, and grandparents. Before I had a chance to even say anything to him, my parents told him I was a drug addict. That really pissed me off, because at the time, even though my whole family knew I was using, I still didn't want to be branded with that label. It just didn't sound pleasant, and I've always tried to put off a classy, professional act when it comes to my appearance, and drug addict just didn't fit that definition.
BUT...after several visits, I began to trust this guy, and now I consider him more of a "friend" rather than someone I pay $75 to talk to for an hour! Today he asked me how my recovery has been going, and of course I told him it was going well. He told me that he has had several patients who have struggled with the same addiction, and some of them have successfully kicked the habit, but others are still struggling with it pretty badly. I told him I wasn't shocked, because opiate-based pharmaceuticals are becoming very prevalent in our society, which is a shame.
To be honest, I am very shocked I have come to the point where I discuss this very touchy subject at all. However, I'm glad I have allowed myself to open up. I used to act like a little hardass punk who thought he was invincible and king of the world. I now know that no one is invincible, and our actions always catch up with us, ALWAYS. But, there is a motto I live by when it comes to drugs, and it's a quite simple one, taken from a song (it seems like I take a lot of things from songs), "Don't Look Back".
"I can see
It took so long just to realize
I'm much too strong
Not to compromise
Now I see what I am is holding me down
I'll turn it around, oh yes I will"
Now let me interpret this as it relates to addiction recovery:
I can see that it just took so long to realize that addiction is bad. I'm much too strong to let this control my life, and I see that it is holding me down, but I can turn it around.
It sure does seem like classic rock has a lot of good lessons hidden within the lyrics, in my opinion!
I hope everyone has a rockin' day!
Josh
Cancer Update
11 months ago
Hi Josh - I think I'll print out your posts and mail them to my son in jail - maybe he'll want to start reading some blogs when he's done with his rehab. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteJosh - My son started with Oxy and moved to the big game...heroine afer some period of time. I thought of him when you talked about presenting a classy act. I remember when first admitted to being addicted, he told us about the Oxy, but when I asked him if he had ever tried heroine, he said "I only tried it once, but it is not cool to stick a needle in your arm." (He was a full blown heroine addict at that point.) But inside, he didn't want to be labeled and he certainly didn't want to admit that he had been drug down the path (excuse the pun). His image and how he looked to us was important to him.
ReplyDeleteHe is currently in rehab (his 4th formal attempt) and we are hopeful he was at his bottom when he asked if there was anywhere we could send him for help...there was an overdose in the picture. You give me hope this addiction can be overcome. Thank you for being brave enough to post about it and share some of what you are thinking and experiencing with us. Although I love my son dearly, and I know that I have a food addiction (the scale tells me so), I don't understand the things going on inside his mind and what drives the addeictive behavior for him. Keep up the good work, you are truly blessed.
Thank you, Josh. I needed this today. I visited my son in jail and he was so hopeless and angry saying that he might as well take jail time than try rehab and fail....Like the comment above, I needed to be reminded that it can be done. Keep it up no matter what!
ReplyDeleteAnd you keep rocking too. I really need to start writing on my classic rock site again. It was once one of the top 100 rock music blogs out there, and now its just....dying.