Ok, so Christmas has passed, which means my life is now coasting full speed towards the roughest day of the year. A little background-
January 9, 2006 I came home after the first day back to school following Christmas break. I walked in and my dad was hysterical. My uncle had died from a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. That was the first time I had experienced a death of someone close to me, and a death of that nature was especially heart-wrenching. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure how to react, so at my grandmother's house that day, I just sat...stonefaced, emotionless, and blank. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.
I was 15. Once it really hit me that I wouldn't see my uncle again, then I started feeling the emotion. But that didn't come until after I had gotten home and was in my room alone. It was without a doubt, one of the most difficult days of my life. I was near the peak of my worst depression at the time, and this event didn't help me one bit.
I never have truly gotten over that day, and I still remember it vividly, and I still go the Ft. Leavenworth National Cemetery every year to visit his grave. Last year I used...in huge excess. I'm worried about this year. The pain of losing a loved one was one that I had never gone through before, and that very pain still burns deep in my heart, and it hurts. I don't think I'll ever get over that day, or the pain. I'm just so worried about "escaping" reality that day to cope with the pain. Granted it's still about 2 weeks out, it's nearing quickly.
I will be strong, I will stay clean.
Take care, everyone.
Josh
Cancer Update
11 months ago
You have beautifully described the pain felt by people who love an addict. Your behavior has the potential to subject everyone to pain that burns deep in the heart or you could rise up and be different. Do something nice this week for hurting people. Two roads always lie before you. Choose life.
ReplyDeletePain is a human emotion. As a human relish in all emotions. Emotions are something to be experienced not muted with pills, and chemicals.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying pain should be an emotion experienced all the time but look inside and deal with the pain some way, talking, meditation, prayer or whatever you need. But my thoughts are; experience all natural emotions that is what makes human vs a snail slug.
Josh, wow. I can relate to this on a personal level. I know what it feels like to lose someone you love and to lose someone to suicide. I was 15 when my dad died of cancer then two years later one of my best friends committed suicide. Both happened in December (6th and 21st). You will never stop missing your uncle. The pain may lessen in time then come back and bite you when you least expect it.
ReplyDeletePAIN WILL NOT HURT YOU. IT HURTS, BUT ITS NOT HARMFUL. Using will both hurt and harm you. I know you'll choose not to use this year. I just know it...because here you are doing the healthiest thing possible: talking about it.
Maybe on the anniversary of his death, you could write a tribute to your uncle, share some good memories, tell us what he was like.
Feel the pain, embrace it. It sucks but its part of life.
Do me a favor, pray for my son today he is either up to no good or up to good, I have no way of knowing....thanks
P.S. I did not handle my father's death well. I went "numb". I didn't cry, I got stoned . I smoked pot (weed) every day for a year. Years later I had to experience the grieving process and no one understood why it took so long for me to feel it. I regret that very much. You can't avoid grief, you can only prolong it.
ReplyDeleteHey Josh! I haven't been blogging for a while. I wanted to focus on Christmas. Thankfully, my son shared it with us. He's on methadone, and he does look a lot better. Time will tell.
ReplyDeleteI just blogged about the death of someone I knew-- for just a few months. She died last week and I just found out. I watched my own mother pass away, and hers was "sweet" and she was ill and old. As for my friend's death, it's a sad one. She was too young to die, and drugs did it. Damn.
I wish I had just the right words to say to you, right now. Suicide is a mystery to me-- it leave the loved ones behind, with unanswered questions and guilt. I can only pray that you will journal your fond memories of your uncle as a way to remember him. For him, I pray that you will do something good and positive, in his memory.
I just caught up on all your blog posts, and I'm glad to see that you are hanging in there.
Debby
Have faith in yourself, you're proving to be very remarkable as I read your blog.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably the greatest of all pain :( and you were so young when it happened. I liked what Debby wrote, and maybe you and your dad can do something together, "in his memory" but at the same time not so obvious to bum yourself out. (I'm pretty sure you're on good terms with your dad.)
I don't think you live with your dad (?) but maybe you could even stay over since it's a Saturday night. Us parent's LOVE when our kids come home :) It's my favorite when one of our 3 girls comes for a visit!
"Dad and Mom" and Barbara said some very real/true things about grieving in their comments. Sorry to piggyback on what everyone else commented by I think they were very insightful.
But whatever you do that day, there should be no pressure to do ANYTHING anyone else says except take care of yourself in such a way that you can prevent using. Whatever you think up! Work hard not to be robbed of all you have worked for b/c the other choice would be too easy.
God bless.