"Yesterday I longed to die
Fell to the ground, and the ground caught me
Now today I question why I feel" -'100 Words', A.F.I
When I look back on the last two years it makes me sad. Sad to see what I have done to those close to me and to see how I have damaged my reputation as the good, smart kid with a bright future. Tuesday, September 16, 2008 is a day that I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.
I decided to ditch school that day and get high, no different than many other days. This day, however, I was short on the cash I needed, and my sister had gotten a ride to school from her boyfriend, so she left her purse AND car at home, unlocked. Sure enough, she had $40 in her purse, which was just enough for what I needed.
That night, she discovered the money missing, and told her boyfriend, and he called me and started breaking me down trying to feel guilty, and it worked. What do I do? I go and get some more shit. Didn't go home that night, I passed out in my car after doing too much Xanax. Seven hours after passing out, a cop is waking me up and telling me that since I'm 18 I don't have to go home, but I do have to take the car home, because my parents own it. I agree and he escorts me back home. Long story short, I got into a huge fight with my parents, grabbed a knife, told them I was sorry for putting them through this hell, and started threatening suicide. This was Wednesday, September 17th. My mom called the police, I ditched the knife in the front yard, and took off on foot to school. The police surrounded the entire area, including the school, and called a lockdown...if you live in the KC area you probably saw this incident on the news. When I got word of the lockdown, I darted outta the building and headed to Sonic, and locked myself in the bathroom, and just started crying like a little kid. Needless to say, I was found, and taken into custody. But, rather than be taken to jail, they took me to Rainbow Mental Health Facility. That place....was horrible. Those were the worst two days of my life. My parents got me out, which surprised me, and took me home, which surprised me even more. I knew this entire thing had been caused by drugs...but what did I do when I got home? I got picked up by a friend and we took a trip to the dealer.
I guess it didn't quite sink in at that time that if I kept using, things like that were bound to happen.
Peace be with you,
Josh
Cancer Update
11 months ago
Josh, my son was you. And today he is a full-blown heroine addict. He told me at one point, he would never steal from someone he knows (he's stolen $$$ thousands from us in money and goods to pawn), he would never stick a needle in his arm, he would be fine.
ReplyDeleteBe strong for yourself, think about what you want in life and how to achieve it, think about DOING the right thing, not trying to do the right thing, think about how good you feel when you are clean.
There are so many of us out here that want you to succeed. But that doesn't matter, you need to do it for you! I'm just a mom, and I care about you. I know that you can do it.
Well done for getting it down on paper. Take care.
ReplyDeleteJosh,
ReplyDeletePlease know that those of us out here in cyberspace are rooting for you! I'm the mom of an addict, so I can relate when you say that you don't realize who you've hurt. It hurts. All us moms (and I'm sure yours is the same) have ever wanted was the best for our children. It breaks our heart when our kids hurt.
Presently, my son is incarcerated for stealing stuff from people's cars - I'm sure to pawn for drug money. He's been in jail for about a month and a half now, and I won't bail him out. He's hoping to get into the drug program through our state. First stop would be 90 days of inpatient rehab.
I'm praying for you Josh. Don't do this to yourself anymore. Your family loves you, the world loves you. Hang in there.
Josh, you definitely are a bright young man, very articulate and thoughtful for a 19 year old, sure you're only 19 :)
ReplyDeleteYou remind me a lot of my son (he'll be 19 next month). He also did a suicide attempt and I called the cops and had them chasing him in a helicopter!!! He ended up in a psych ward. That was Dec. 2008. He also had depression and anxiety.
Today he's in jail (day 72) waiting for a bed to open up in a court ordered rehab. He's addicted to heroin and Oxy. He's been in and out of rehab, jail, etc. I am hoping this is it for him.
It sounds like you are determined and I think that writing this blog will be a help to you and to many others so keep it up! All us moms out here care about you and want you to live up to your full potential and enjoy life (I have depression too so I know its easier said than done, depression sucks).
P.S. I love Sixx AM
ReplyDelete