Got Some Pretty Bad/Scary News Today :(

So I got a phone call today from my grandparents that made me cry pretty bad.

I don't know if I have mentioned it on here, but my grandfather has been battling cancer since last May. It started out in his liver and metastasized to his small intestines. Well good news came last June when he had surgery to remove close to 4 feet of his small intestines, and it was successful, and isolated the cancer to his liver. So anyways, following the surgery, a visit to his oncologist turned out to be good, as we were informed that he has a VERY rare, non-aggressive form of the cancer that a person can live with and be healthy for up to 20 years or more with it requiring minimal treatment consisting of a single shot once a month to slow down this already slow form of cancer.

BUT...good news can only go so far, as we found out earlier today. My grandfather had a monthly checkup with his oncologist today, and found out the results of a series of tests that were run at his last appointment. Unfortunately, his cancer has taken an unexpected turn for the worst, and has metastasized to his lymph nodes and stomach, and has begun to be more aggressive.

I am so scared, and so worried...I cannot even begin to imagine what life would be like without my grandpa. He is, without a doubt, my best friend. He has taught me almost everything I know about working on cars, he has taught me how to cook and wants me to take over his portion of ownership of his restaurant someday, he has taught me how to live as a Man of God and put all of my faith in God and trust Him in life, he has taught me how to respect and treat the ladies, and so much more. Like I said...I cannot even begin to imagine life without him...I am SO scared, and SO worried...I don't wanna lose him.

I understand that everyone eventually leaves the realm of the living and enters Heaven, but I don't wanna lose him to cancer. I lost a great uncle to cancer in May 2008, and by the the end of his 9-month battle with the disease, I couldn't even recognize him. I couldn't bear to see Grampa Stanley to go out that way...and when I talked to my dad about this today after I got home, I haven't seen my dad cry so hard since his baby brother committed suicide in 2006.

I cannot do this. I cannot let this get to me. I cannot self-medicate to numb the pain of reality. I must stay clean. I will stay clean. For my grandfather.

To all of you out there that pray, PLEASE say a prayer for my grandfather's health and for my family. You all have NO idea how much that would mean to me.

Thank you all so much in advance for your prayers. I really appreciate it.

Peace be with you,
Josh

Job Things? Yep. :]

I really hope my employment situation is going to be turning around soon. Had one interview today for a cashier position...nothing special, but it's Monday-Friday, 8 hours a day. I can handle that.

Second is tomorrow morning at 9:30 at K.C Premier Auto Detailing. Same deal...Monday-Friday, 8 hour days. I really hope my luck turns around. That would be nice!!!

How is everyone?
Josh

Traffic Stops? *Sigh*

I can understand being pulled over for speeding, running red lights/stop signs, failing to yield, and other serious violations. But for 1 bulb out of 4 being out in one of my tail lights is dumb. Now honestly. If you were a cop, would you pull someone over for this?!

Oh well. All I got was a "fix it and don't let me catch you again". I suppose I'm just bitching. Ha.

Agitation

I'm not sure I have ever been this agitated with not having a job. This is the first time since I STARTED working back at 16 that I have been unemployed. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't 30 degrees outside, because then I could actually be making money through my own detailing business.

I'm starting to lose my mind. I need a job! And not just for cash flow, but to make my probation officer happy, and most importantly to keep me occupied!

*sigh*

How's everyone doing today?
Josh

All Is Well

Things seem to be going well right now in Joshland.

I've moved on from my relapse, and I'm focusing on moving forward. One day at a time is the way to go.

I haven't had anymore temptation to use since my relapse, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful to God that He has given me the strength to move on and not let one slip-up ruin my recovery. Thankful that He has given me the strength to not let it destroy everything I have worked towards. Thankful that He has saved me and allowed me to move on with my life and get away from this evil demon.

To my readers- never give up hope, stay strong, and keep a high head for your loved ones who are struggling with their own addictions.

Praying for all of you!
Josh

Depressed.

*Sigh*

Today hasn't been so great and it's only 10:00 AM.

So far, since 7:00, I've been fighting with both of my sisters, my mom, my dad, and my sister's boyfriend. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I hate it. WHY CAN'T LIFE BE SIMPLE?!

:[

-Josh

It Happened.

I wasn't planning on it happening again, but it did, unfortunately.

I relapsed two nights ago. It started with a drink or two, and ended with a shot of OxyContin, followed by a few more drinks, and then me passing out.

I feel so, so stupid. And ashamed. And lots of things.

I'm going back to NA.

How is everyone else?
Josh