Depressed.

*Sigh*

Today hasn't been so great and it's only 10:00 AM.

So far, since 7:00, I've been fighting with both of my sisters, my mom, my dad, and my sister's boyfriend. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I hate it. WHY CAN'T LIFE BE SIMPLE?!

:[

-Josh

It Happened.

I wasn't planning on it happening again, but it did, unfortunately.

I relapsed two nights ago. It started with a drink or two, and ended with a shot of OxyContin, followed by a few more drinks, and then me passing out.

I feel so, so stupid. And ashamed. And lots of things.

I'm going back to NA.

How is everyone else?
Josh

My Head Hurts

Saturday morning was heart-breaking and emotional, just as I knew it would be. Went up to Leavenworth National Cemetery to visit his grave site and spend a few moments with him. That was nice...brought back memories from the past, and I thought about last year on that day...I cut school early to get dope to dull the pain. I didn't do that this year. I did, however, go through more Skoal than usual, but I can handle that. That is the LEAST of my worries, I think. Sure, it would be nice if I could quit, but I've tried, and tobacco is brutal.

For me, I think tobacco is more difficult to live without than OxyContin was. I've tried to quit chewing many times before, and all of those times have resulted in a failure. It sucks!!! Here in De Soto, I pay $4 even for each can of Skoal I buy...and I usually chew anywhere from 1-2 cans a day. It's starting to add up. :[

BUT...I am making another attempt to quit, hence my head hurting. I figure if I can make it to 2 days without dippin' I'll be in good shape.

Take care, everyone!
Josh

Update

Alright. The two interviews went well on Tuesday, (I think so, anyway!) The GM at Pizza Hut absolutely loved me, and she is talking to her area manager about when I could get into the management training class and told me to give her a call on Saturday.

CarMax...the job that I would rather have, went OK. I'm kinda nervous about that one because they are doing a full background check including criminal history AND credit check to check my character. The manager I spoke to, however, thought highly of my credentials when it comes to detailing cars. SO...there is hope there, he told me to check back anytime next week.

But...tomorrow is a day I'm NOT looking forward to. At all. Planning on going up to Leavenworth alone tomorrow to reflect, which will be good. I miss my uncle :(

However...depressed is no way to end a post in a world where people need encouragement, so stay strong everyone!

Josh

Good Start to the Year

Yesterday I received two phone calls from two prospective employers, and now I have two interviews today. :)

One is kinda lame, it's for an assistant manager position at yet again ANOTHER Pizza Hut. Damn, I can't seem to get away from the Hut, can I?! ;) While I probably wouldn't bring in an incredibly great income, income is income, right?

The second, though, I would very much like to get. It's for a detailer position at CarMax. Seeing as how I absolutely love cars, and love makin' 'em look pretty, I'd like that. PLUS...the benefits that CarMax gives its employees are PHENOMENAL.

2010 is already turning out to be pretty good. I'm pleased. My probation officer even gave me kudos today for busting my ass looking for work!

Take care!
Josh

2010=A New Beginning

Well 2009 has passed, and I feel like going over a brief review of my life last year.

January '09- Was using on a daily basis, and didn't really have any drive to get clean. I didn't care, I felt like I was invincible.

February '09- Got hired at the Bonner Springs Pizza Hut as a driver, and to me that was awesome, because I could use my tips every night to get high. Two weeks after starting there, I got fired when they caught me drinking on the job, so I went and applied at the Hut in my hometown where I continued to work and use my tips for dope.

March '09- The law came at me full-force. I was arrested and charged with three counts of felony criminal threat. My parents paid the bond but I was told I had a month to re-pay them so they could make the house payment.

April '09- I got clean. I didn't want to, but I didn't have a choice. After bonding out of jail I was placed on Bond Supervision and that came with random UA's. I sold my nice car that I loved so much to re-pay my parents for the bail money, and took what was left and bought the Firebird.

May '09 - July '09- I was in court almost weekly for the Criminal Threat garbage. I ended up taking a plea deal that reduced the charges to misdemeanor assault and got probation for a year.

August '09- Turned 19, moved to Coffeyville for school, got scared/nervous/depressed, and relapsed.

September '09- Driving up to KC from Coffeyville every other weekend to work at the Hut while working at the Hut down there during the week and going to school. Good month.

October '09- Got my scholarship pulled for missing too many classes and moved back home. Parents weren't happy.

November '09- Started this blog and found all of you cool people ;), and it has been a good support group. For that I am thankful!

December '09- Wrapped up 2009 with a night of music and mayhem! Had some fellow musicians over and we just shredded the final hours of 2009 away. Good ending to a not-so-good year.

I'm hoping that 2010 will bring better fortune for everyone struggling with various life issues. Remember to be strong, never give up hope, and good fortune will eventually come your way.

Stay strong, everyone!
Josh

A Very Difficult Time of Year

Ok, so Christmas has passed, which means my life is now coasting full speed towards the roughest day of the year. A little background-

January 9, 2006 I came home after the first day back to school following Christmas break. I walked in and my dad was hysterical. My uncle had died from a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. That was the first time I had experienced a death of someone close to me, and a death of that nature was especially heart-wrenching. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure how to react, so at my grandmother's house that day, I just sat...stonefaced, emotionless, and blank. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.

I was 15. Once it really hit me that I wouldn't see my uncle again, then I started feeling the emotion. But that didn't come until after I had gotten home and was in my room alone. It was without a doubt, one of the most difficult days of my life. I was near the peak of my worst depression at the time, and this event didn't help me one bit.

I never have truly gotten over that day, and I still remember it vividly, and I still go the Ft. Leavenworth National Cemetery every year to visit his grave. Last year I used...in huge excess. I'm worried about this year. The pain of losing a loved one was one that I had never gone through before, and that very pain still burns deep in my heart, and it hurts. I don't think I'll ever get over that day, or the pain. I'm just so worried about "escaping" reality that day to cope with the pain. Granted it's still about 2 weeks out, it's nearing quickly.

I will be strong, I will stay clean.

Take care, everyone.
Josh